


I Should Have Never Let You Go

by WiseDawn13



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged up characters, Akaashi is an anxious bean, Akaashi is an editor, Alcohol, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BokAshi, Bokuaka - Freeform, Bokuto plays volleyball, Heavy Angst, I love my hooty boy, Lack of Communication, M/M, One Shot, Panic Attacks, Roughly used time skip info, because my friends made me make it happy, they're both idiots, time skip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-13
Updated: 2021-01-13
Packaged: 2021-03-18 06:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28738668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WiseDawn13/pseuds/WiseDawn13
Summary: One of the workers called out an order, “Extra large, quad shot espresso with whipped topping.” Akaashi’s stomach plummeted. His skin felt like it was buzzing. He only knew of one person crazy enough to order that. He was here.“Akaashi? Is that you?” A familiar voice said.His heart started racing, hands clenching his book for dear life. He lowered the book and raised his gaze to meet two golden eyes, so familiar it hurt. He hesitated, “Bokuto-san.”ORAU where Akaashi and Bokuto dated, broke up, and haven't seen each other in 3 years.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 64
Collections: My favorite haikyuu fics





	I Should Have Never Let You Go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!! Thank you for opening my fic <3 enjoy the read :D *happy owl sounds*
> 
> ***CW/TW at end notes

Life for Akaashi Keiji was good. He had a decent job as an editor, a nice place to live, and a cat. He was, in a word, content. Though he always felt things seemed a bit grey, that there was something missing. He ignored the part of him that screamed at him, telling him he was lonely. He threw himself into his work, spending more time at the office than he did at home most days. His best friend was his cat, Marcus. He didn’t have the time, or energy, to spend on another human friend.

Akaashi used to have a best friend, a human best friend. They’d met in high school and clicked instantly despite their opposing personalities. They were great together on and off the volleyball court. They ended up dating for a while, and things changed, life got in the way, insecurities took over, and things ended. That was 3 years ago. Akaashi hadn’t seen or heard from his ex-best friend, his ex, since.

He’d seen him on tv occasionally, though he generally tried to avoid watching volleyball. It brought too many painful memories, but he still caught glimpses of the games. Akaashi was proud of how far his ex had gone, still as lively as ever. But every time he saw him on tv, or heard someone mention his name, his stomach dropped. The voice would scream louder, telling him how lonely he is, how he should have never ended things. But it had to be done, it was the right thing to do. That’s what he told himself in attempts to get the voice to shut up. It never worked; it would only get quieter until the next time he saw/heard/thought about his ex.

It was a Friday morning like any other. Akaashi showered, pet Marcus, and went to his usual coffee shop before work. He always walked the same path to work every day, routine was calming. There was a line when he got there, but that wasn’t anything unusual. When he reached the counter, he ordered his usual - a medium dark roast coffee, black – and stood off to the side, taking a book out of his bag to read while he waited.

One of the workers called out an order, “Extra large, quad shot espresso with whipped topping.” Akaashi’s stomach plummeted. His skin felt like it was buzzing. He only knew of one person crazy enough to order that. He was here.

“Akaashi? Is that you?” A familiar voice said.

His heart started racing, hands clenching his book for dear life. He lowered the book and raised his gaze to meet two golden eyes, so familiar it hurt. He hesitated, “Bokuto-san.”

Bokuto smiled wide, but Akaashi noticed that it didn’t reach his eyes. “Akaashi! It’s been forever. I can’t believe I ran into you here of all places.”

Akaashi let out a small laugh, “Yeah.” He gripped the book tighter, praying it would keep Bokuto from noticing how much he was shaking. He wanted to shrink down and melt out of existence.

“I’m in town for a bit,” Bokuto exclaimed. “How about we meet up later, catch up?”

_No, I can’t. I’m busy. I don’t want to see you. Say something!_ “Sure.” _Damn it! Anything but that!_

“Alright, cool! When do you get off work tonight?”

_Tonight?_ “Uh… Around 7.” Akaashi supplied. He felt paralyzed, frozen in fear. He’ll have to see him again, twice in one day. He didn’t want to see him at all. He couldn’t look away from him.

Bokuto smiled again and Akaashi felt his heart almost break his ribs. “Sounds good. We can meet up at that bar you liked. I’ll be there at 7, come straight after work okay?” His gold eyes bore holes in Akaashi’s soul. Bokuto tilted his head to the side, calling for a response.

“Okay,” Akaashi muttered.

______________

Time seemed to move slowly while simultaneously speeding by at work. Akaashi’s mind was racing, heart still pounding. Anxiety flowed through Akaashi like rocks flowed down a tube. He felt sick, he barely got any work done. Seeing Bokuto was hard enough, but knowing he’d have to see him again… Knowing he’d have to talk to him… He threw up twice at work.

He bought a small toothbrush on his break so he could feel just a little bit better. 7 o’clock came around and he left work. He walked to the bar quickly, hands gripped together tightly, eyes down. When he reached the bar, he stopped out front, looking up at the sign. He took a deep breath, exhaling slowly, and felt a small calm wash over him. _I can do this._

He opened the door and saw Bokuto’s wild white and black hair, he was sitting at the bar facing the door. He noticed Akaashi and waved. What little calm he’d felt before was quickly replaced with panic. Akaashi ran to the washrooms. He burst into the last stall and threw up into the toilet. He quickly brushed his teeth again then crouched down beside the sinks, back against the wall. He put his head between his knees, staring at the ground with wide eyes, and covered the back of his head with his hands. He forced himself to take deep breaths, but his breathing was gradually becoming something he could no longer control. It began to hitch as he sank fully into a panic attack. This was the worst one he’d ever had.

His whole body hurt, his mind hurt, his heart hurt. He wanted it all to go away. His fingers curled into his hair, gripping hard as he hyperventilated. He stared at the tiled floor beneath him, eyes fazing in and out of focus. His glasses pressed into his face, but he didn’t mind the pain. After all, what’s a little more pain? He heard the door open, recognizing the footsteps instantly. His panic climbed even higher.

“Akaashi…” Bokuto breathed, his voice filled with concern. He made his way over and sat beside Akaashi. “Oh, Akaashi. I’m so sorry.” He placed his right hand on Akaashi’s back. Akaashi instantly started to cry, tears falling uncontrollably as he sobbed violently. Bokuto scootched closer to Akaashi and started to rub small circles on his back. It felt nice, it was calming, it was familiar. It felt like home.

Akaashi’s panic melted away at Bokuto’s touch. His anxiety left him, but the crying didn’t stop. He was trapped in his body, prisoner to its whims. He tried to take deep breaths, but each one got caught in his throat, threatening to choke him. He gripped his hair tighter as he let out a loud sob.

“Hey,” Bokuto said softly. “Look at me.” Akaashi was frozen, but anywhere Bokuto touched melted. Bokuto grabbed his hands, gently pulling them free from his hair, then he lifted his head. Akaashi met Bokuto’s eyes through his tears. Bokuto took off Akaashi’s glasses and placed them on the counter. He slid so he was sitting in front of Akaashi, placing his legs on either side of him, knees bent. He held him gently with his legs and grabbed the sides of Akaashi’s face. “Just try to focus on breathing, okay? Breathe with me.” Bokuto pulled Akaashi’s face to his so their foreheads touched, taking slow breaths. He didn’t let go of his face.

Akaashi melted into his touch, he felt safe and warm with Bokuto. He forced himself to breath when Bokuto did. His mind felt calm, no longer feeling the tension in his forehead. Bokuto’s forehead took that all away. They sat there, Bokuto wrapped around Akaashi on the floor of a bar washroom, for a while. Each breath easier than the last until finally he was breathing normally. Bokuto continued to hold him and he didn’t fight it.

“You alright now?” Bokuto asked, voice barely above a whisper.

Akaashi felt a small smile grow on his face. “Yeah,” he promised, matching Bokuto’s volume. They sat there a while longer before Bokuto finally pulled away, dropping his hands from Akaashi’s face. Everywhere Bokuto was touching felt cold, it longed for his touch. Akaashi longed for his touch. The voice screamed at him.

Bokuto stood up and reached a hand down, “Come on.”

Akaashi took his hand and stood up. “Thank you, Bokuto-san.” He grabbed his glasses, wiped them with his shirt, and placed them back on his face.

“No problem, Akaashi. I’m here for anything you need.” He placed a hand on Akaashi’s back, guiding him out. “Let’s go sit down.”

They sat in a booth, away from the larger groups of people as much as they could on a Friday night. They ordered a bunch of food and some drinks. Akaashi didn’t feel like he could eat anything, but when he saw the food his stomach begged him for it.

______________

“It was honestly the craziest game! We were the most in synch we’d ever been and that one spike…” Bokuto trailed off. “Best feeling ever!” They had been talking for the better part of an hour and it felt nice.

Akaashi smiled, “That’s great. Sounds like you’re doing really well.”

Something shifted in Bokuto’s face. “Yeah, so how about you? You seeing anyone?”

Akaashi paled, “Oh, uh… No. I haven’t dated since we, uh…” _Since we broke up._

“Oh,” Bokuto seemed disappointed. _Why?_ “You should get back out there!” _Oh…_ “I just started seeing this guy. Not sure where it’s going yet, but it’s nice. You know?” _Oh._

Akaashi feigned a smile and nodded. He sipped more of his drink, feeling the buzz of the alcohol in his head. Bokuto had drank a lot more than he had tonight. The conversation lulled, silence falling over them, suffocating Akaashi.

Bokuto took a drink, looking off to the other side of the bar. “When did you stop loving me?” He wondered. Akaashi froze. Fear buzzed through his body, mixing with the buzz of the alcohol. He felt sick again. He stared at Bokuto, mouth slightly agape. When he didn’t respond Bokuto turned back to face him.

Akaashi’s mind went blank, the buzzing filled his ears. “What?” _Is it loud in here?_

“I was just wondering when you had stopped loving me,” Bokuto stated. “I mean, it must have happened at some point while we were dating right? You ended things so suddenly, I just figured you—”

“That’s not—I didn’t end things because I stopped loving you.” _I never stopped loving you. I still love you. It hurts me every day._

Bokuto looked surprised to hear that, “Oh? Well, then why?”

“Why?”

“Yeah. Why did you end things? You never really told me, I just always figured it was because you stopped loving me.” Bokuto looked down at his drink. “I mean, I had noticed you pulling away from me the last few months of our relationship, part of me knew you were going to end things soon.”

Akaashi’s eyes widened, “Oh.”

“I just… Nah, it’s stupid. Never mind. Forget I brought any of this up. It’s in the past.”

“No.” Akaashi’s voice was louder and more assertive than he’d intended. Bokuto stared at him in shock. “No, you deserve to know.” Akaashi took a deep breath and clenched his hands into fists under the table. “You had started with the MSBY team, you were away a lot and I was always too busy to make it to most of your games. I started to feel like I wasn’t good enough, well actually I had always kind of felt that way, but it really started to eat at me then. I was just an editor, too busy to support his boyfriend. You deserve someone who can be there for you to cheer you on. Someone who can match your crazy, wonderful energy. Someone not as anxious and insecure as me. I wanted you to have all of that, I wanted you to have everything that I couldn’t give you. That’s why.”

Bokuto stayed silent, staring at Akaashi who refused to meet Bokuto’s eyes. The words hung heavy in the air, weighing on them. _I said it._ Akaashi dug his nails into his palms.

“That’s stupid,” Bokuto finally said.

“What?” Akaashi looked at him.

“That’s such a stupid reason! That’s why you ended things? Because you didn’t feel like you were good enough for me? No! You don’t get to decide what’s best for me, the only person who can decide that is me. Why the hell didn’t you talk to me about this? We used to talk about things. You used to tell me when you felt insecure or anxious. Why would you just pull away?”

Akaashi looked down again, gripping at his knees now. “Because I knew if I told you about it, you never would have let me break up with you. You wouldn’t be happy like you are now if we were still together.”

“I’m not happy now! I haven’t been happy for 3 years, Akaashi.”

“You—” Akaashi started.

“I have been trying to get over you, get over the loss of my best friend, the love of my life. I never could, I could never fully bring myself to let you go. I always held onto the hope that maybe, someday I could make you fall back in love with me. That maybe we could get back together. It’s always been you, Akaashi.” Bokuto had started to cry.

Akaashi felt tears stinging his eyes, his chest tightened. “Bokuto…” He looked at him. “I never stopped loving you. These past 3 years have been hell for me, but I thought you were happy. I thought you were better off without me.” Akaashi put his face in his hands, tears falling down his arms.

Bokuto reached across the table and grabbed Akaashi’s hands. He held them tightly, looking into his eyes. “We’re the biggest idiots.”

Akaashi laughed, “Yeah. I’m so sorry Bokuto, I really thought I made the right decision.”

Bokuto smiled softly, “I know, Akaashi. I’m sorry I let you get away with it. I’m sorry for everything. I wish these last three years didn’t happen.”

“Me too.” Akaashi squeezed Bokuto’s hands lightly. They sat there, holding onto each other as if afraid to let go, afraid to lose the other again. Tears falling, eyes staring deeply into each other.

“So,” Bokuto finally said. “If I never stopped loving you, and you never stopped loving me… Does that mean we can get back together?” He had hope in his eyes, smile brighter than the sun.

Akaashi couldn’t say no to him, every part of him called out for Bokuto. He smiled, “Yes, Bokuto.” Then he remembered, “Oh, but you said you had a boyfriend…” Akaashi felt the familiar wave of sadness wash over him. Hope dying slowly.

“Oh, shit. Yeah. We’ve been together for about a month, but I honestly barely know the dude. I’ll just text him and say we’re done.”

“No! You can’t break up by text, that’s awful.”

Bokuto chuckled and let go of Akaashi’s hands to pull out his phone. “No, no. It’s fine. He said he prefers texting over talking in person anyway. Besides, we were barely even dating.” Bokuto unlocked his phone, quickly typed something, and set it down on the table. “There. It’s done.” He reached back to grab hold of Akaashi’s hands.

“You’re horrible,” Akaashi teased.

Bokuto smirked, “Maybe. But you love me. That’s all that matters.” Bokuto’s phone buzzed. He looked down at it. “Oh, he said okay.” He looked back at Akaashi, “See? All good.”

“Yeah,” Akaashi agreed. “All good.”

They sat in the booth, holding hands, and staring into each others’ eyes for an hour before a waiter came over to ask if they needed anything else. They asked for the check, and then went back to Akaashi’s place for the night. It was a good day, better than any other Friday Akaashi had ever had. The voice was silent; the sun was back in his life.

**Author's Note:**

> ***CW/TW: Anxiety, panic attacks, vomiting, alcohol consumption. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed the read! I loved writing this one. Bokuto and Akaashi hold a very dear place in my heart. My owl boys <3
> 
> Feel free to reach out to me on tumblr (you can even request a one shot if you want): zuko-the-turtleduck and kageyamas-juice-box


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